it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Quick, to the slutcave!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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