you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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