Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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