You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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