Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
