the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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