just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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