My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
