Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
