I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just invented taco cereal.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
