Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
