i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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