Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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