i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
