I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
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I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
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She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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