i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
