Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
