no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
