I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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