dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
