i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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