so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
