I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
