i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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