i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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