Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
