did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I feel great
I just peed on a car
she smelled like a LAN party
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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