woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
