corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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