i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize