apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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