I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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