I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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