Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
