I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
