Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
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Be still, my beating vagina.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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