the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.