yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me