When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
