yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
