so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
