The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
