I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
