I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
