last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
