I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
