I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
