Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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