My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
