I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
