hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
