I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
