i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He better not be in your backpack
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
