I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
