Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
