You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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