Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
