grandma shit on top of the toilet
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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