Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
