In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
