I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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