oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
