My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
