You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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