Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
