I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
