dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
